Letting Go, Continued.

If you're out there somewhere, I hope the

wind is blowing and the trees are swaying as the

crickets sing and the sun shines designs on damp pavement.

I hope that you're walking barefoot, if you're out there

somewhere; you'd want to feel the pebbles between your

toes as you balance and dance away the ground.

I hope that wherever you are, if you're there, you

get up early enough to pick basil from your sweet garden

and watch the sunrise cross your face.

If you're out there somewhere, I hope the stars are

shining on your neck and the moonlight carries you across

the sky every night while you conduct a symphony in your veins.

I hope that if you're somewhere, you feel the cool

ocean lap across your feet and hear the waves crash in your

ears; I hope you get a little sea salt in your hair.

I hope that wherever you are, you're looking

at flowers more and looking at lightning the most. I hope

that spring comes after every single winter.

I hope you're smiling, wherever you are.

I hope it's a real smile because I saw too

many fake ones those last few months and

as much as it hurt all of us, it hurt you the most.

Wherever you are, I hope more than anything that

you know I love you. I hope you know that you're the reason for

everything I do.

I hope you know that while the sun still shines here,

it seems a little duller, but that may just be because you

needed a little piece of the sun to take with you.

The ocean is a little cooler, the sound it makes a little dimmer,

but that's okay because as long as you have a piece

for yourself, I am fine.

Sometimes I'm angry, angry at the world

angry at myself and

more embarrassingly, angry at you.

I pick fights with God, even though I know

it's completely possible I'm picking fights with myself.

Every night, I see a glimmer of hope because

I know as soon as my head hits the pillow,

it will be a short time until I see

your face in my memory.

Some days are harder, some days blissful as the

warm soup you used to make me that

day when you told me,

I was the reason for you.

I want to remember and I still

don't because the pain of that day is still

fresh in my mind but I know that my biggest

fear is forgetting.

I saw you not too long ago, I was rowing a boat.

I can remember that.

You were wearing your flowery, sparkly shirt and your

tan slacks. You were with Nick.

You said to me, as I gave up hope,

"Don't burn your bridges before you cross them,

you never know what's on the other side."

I pulled harder to that finish line than I ever had before,

maybe it was out of hope, maybe it was out of desperation

to talk to you.

I've never crossed a finish line laughing and

crying at the same time so maybe God

does exist in that small moment,

my watch stopped because you wanted me

to take pictures in my mind of that.

I'll remember. You need to remember too though:

Wherever you are, I hope you know I'm okay.

Well maybe.

But I try to be.

I'm okay.

I choke out the words everyday, but I promise,

I'll be okay.

I hope you are.

I love you, but I have to let go now.