Tidal Wave

On the high tide of bliss trouble is covered,
covered but the seaweed and life forms and sea shell that have
drifted in to cover up murky bottoms.
I wish my soul had a moon,
my heart could be a moon,
I want some tides in my soul,
but the kind that stays.
I need a high tide,
I need a sunrise,
I need some concealer
to cover up this dark spot and wrinkle.
You see, a smile is just a piece of the tide,
a laugh is just crying without tears and
when I said,
I'm so happy I found you, I meant it because
you make it so the
high tide never goes down.
Maybe that's not healthy.
Maybe I need to see to the sand in order to
dig for the gold which I seek,
but I say,
fuck the ordinary, I want to be extraordinary,
unlike the name implies.
I want to be strong like the waves of a hurricane,
knock me off my feet,
I want to pretend like the last six years didn't actually happen,
and I want to pretend that I can actually express my feelings in cryptic, creative, unusual ways but instead I end up just dumping my brain and dumping my feelings into a box carved into my computer screen, my blinking cursor mocking my pain, my hands are covered with the blood that I lost when you went you left you left you went you're gone and somehow I'm fucking jealous. I'm jealous you're in a place where it's all fucking dandelions and daffodils meanwhile I'm stuck here picking up the pieces of the debris after the storm.
You know how hard it is to smile when people ask how you are?
If  I told the truth I'm sure I'd be locked in a mental ward.
You know how hard it is to watch a grown man cry his eyes out?
You know how hard it is to imagine you could be next?
To know you could be next?
To think that the one you love with your whole heart could be next?
I'm sorry but I really can't go through this again. I really can't go through this again. I really don't have the strength or the courage, or the classical beauty that you say I do to go through with this, to go through this, to make it through this one. I need. Help.

Help me, I'm drowning in a self-induced tide
to cover my motives.