Invisible Canvas

I want to write and

I want to show

just how I feel, what

I know,

but words form too quickly

inside my mind,

there's not enough time to

spit them all out,

so I push and pull and

fight with myself, just trying

trying,

trying to find the words to make

this sound right and alleviate

the brick on my chest,

the pressure inside my heart,

I'll surely burst if I don't get it out soon.

I'm stuck and I'm struggling,

bobbing in cement,

under the house where I belong,

and I can't seem to surface,

say what I want, what I need,

what I need.

It doesn't matter if I never get it out,

nobody will ever know.

My heart is speaking half- human,

half- the-smell-of-rain-on-the-pavement-on-a-summer-day.

I just want a flower to bloom,

and ember to glow,

my blood to flow, and

I want to show you that I know that

this flower can bloom,

and ember will glow,

and I just know realized that indeed,

my blood does flow,

but I can't find the words to say how I

feel.

It's like a warm breeze that tickles your hair

and draws designs on your back,

bringing you closer,

calling your name,

whispering gently,

wishing I knew.

wishing I knew.

How I feel, how to get it out,

Oh I wish I knew.

And I wish you knew too, because

what good is a poet if nobody listens-

like a bird that sings for no good reason.

I have words that are screaming,

emotions that are forcing their way to the

surface, yet

it's impossible for me to let them out,

bottled down,

speaking another language,

like the jibberish that a two year old speaks,

the kind everybody pretends to understand.

I'm not much of a poet if I can't

make you see,

because poets are supposed to paint their

words on invisible canvas in not-so-invisible ink,

but how can you write when

you can't find the invisible canvas, and the

ink has turned muddy and gray?

The only thing that seems to be

able to surface from the depths of my breast is:

To hear the hum of the universe and the hum of all hearts and the hum of the grass as it sways in the wind is just one more thing on the list of stuff I wanna do

Belly Laughs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFWiNNUfpC4&feature=related

Still Life Poetry

I look out the bus window,

and stare at the people, walking by.

You can look, but do you feel?

and Have you ever seen somebody

on the street,

wondered where they've been,

wondered how their life is,

wondered where they're going,

or what their favorite color is?

As I look out the bus window,

and stare at the people,

all walking around with their heads

buried in turtle shells

and invisibility cloaks,

As I look out the window and look at

the clouds floating by, the snow melting,

the clock ticking, the man laughing,

the woman and child trying to get buy,

the teenager with a Mercedes-Benz,

it hits me like a burst of inspiration,

a flash of lightning.

Who we are,

what we live,

is just Still Life Poetry.

Confessions of the Playground

If I was a swing set then I would want

to be a little rusty with

the red paint chipping slowly off and

I would stay there through winter

and summer,

spring and fall.

and If I was a swing set I think I'd like it

because I would always be there

and somebody would always need me

and when they saw me they would smile and

think back to memories.

It's just

a couple of words in an ocean, dripping

slowly out through the faucets but

I want to open them all the way

start a flood, break down the doors,

distract the prison guard and

If I started a flood it wouldn't be me

who mopped it up I would let it sit,

grow moldy,

attach to the floors and maybe the spores

would turn into a flowers and

the prison would disappear.

With the prison gone the sheet music will

flow and the piano will sing but not

me because they say "You!

You do not deserve this, you are ugly,

you are not true!"

But they don't understand how it is to be

just a blade of grass in the field,

desperately trying to show,

trying to shout out how I

am different and I am special,

just like they told me in the

first grade.

I wish I knew before that when I'm bursting

at the seams and screaming as I write

and crying although I don't really know why,

I am just exposing me, trying to figure myself out

just a little more.

It's just emotion knocking everything down,

and no, don't ask me how I feel,

I couldn't explain because I just don't know I'm

just a little confused

too confused because I've been licking prison

doors.

The rust cuts my tongue, I taste the

metal but it's nothing compared to how I feel

when they scream and shout at me, they warn me

never to dream or explore

because I am not smart enough to find my way home.

The funny thing is, I don't even know where home is

anymore,

I don't even know who I am, but I thought

I did. It's not as simple as it seems.

If I was a rusty red swing set with the paint

chipping off, exposing my core,

I think you might understand, and

if I opened the faucet a little bit more,

then maybe it would flood the floors,

bring me home,

sweep me along,

water the flowers,

make me as beautiful as I said

I was,

when the swing set lied to me.

Fragile, Handle With Care

Well I looked at the starts tonight and

yes they screamed your name but that's not new, it's all I hear these

days it's like holding a seashell up to your ear,

able to hear the world but all I hear is one voice, one voice

and it won't stop I say,

"give it a rest,"

but no you can't suck the bullets back into the gun especially when

everybody says,

"move on, get over it,"

so this is me saying, "what if I don't want to, what if all I want is you?"

and I'll scream it back to the stars and we'll get into a fight,

but really I'm just fighting with God,

fighting, arguing, and wishing, waiting.

it's no

big deal,

fighting with my mind, fighting with the gift,

fighting with that little girl on the playground,

the one in the sandbox when she said,

"oh don't you worry, prince charming will come"

she lied, don't listen to five year olds

because yeah I'm just fighting with me,

arguing with myself,

Matchbox20 told me that I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,

so why don't you come back here right where you belong,

make me well and keep me strong,

I thought I'd never say this, but I can't go on.

I'm waiting, wishing and wishing that I was different, that

I belonged that I felt whole again,

and I do except when I'm alone like right now at

11:30 at night it's alright,

its just me, I'll cry oh so silently and try not to use up

all the tissues like I did last night.

I don't want to move on I'm not ready, I thought this was my decision

but I guess I was wrong about that too,

don't worry, I won't come back to you, because even though I want to,

you wouldn't get it,

I'm in chains, in prison, licking the floor.

Trying to get out and I think I see my chance, but it

hurts yes it hurts so bad,

I see my heart beating my blood flowing and I'm so

fucking happy that there's actually some left.

Move on, move on, but they don't understand:

the heart I gave you was yours to break and you broke me and the road

and the little breadcrumb trail that,

in all honesty,

I trusted to lead me home. Hell, I should

know not to trust actors because you're a damn good liar

and you kept me going for so long,

Yes, you broke me like a bone,

broke me easier than a twig and you promised,

you said you would be gentle, you said you

wouldn't do this, just because I said,

put a shipping label on me,

"Fragile, Handle With Care"

Not Your Normal Recipe

You cracked me like an egg,

just added me to the mix,

so I swirled and tangled,

with all of your other mistakes.

You walked away with a slither,

but another sly snake,

so I sat here and walked there,

thinking about my mistakes.

I healed with the clock,

although, the pain still haunts me,

so I skip and I smile,

a halloween mask.

I hope you're still standing,

you should know I am too,

but I'm doing better than that,

better because of you.

You cracked me like an egg,

just added me to the mix,

so I swirled and I tangled,

I'm grateful I did.

Keep it.

Dying to live or

living to die is the question.

Would you jump if there was

a question,

Roses or Rocks await?

What if the stakes were high and

nobody -k-new,

what to do but

som-e-body had to.

The waves crash, stars fall.

Crash into you, crash for you?

Fall into your hand, fall at the sight of you?

Who's to know oth-e-r

than fate.

That one who turned on the lam-p- tonight,

the one who walked away only to show

that

(-)

The ripest Apple was

right here the whole time.

The stars m-i-ght fall, fall onto me,

rain like glitter.

Or maybe I'll put the stars in-t-o

the sky.

I can never see them,

not because they are invisible;

because I don't see what they don't see

in me.

No dying to live.

No living to die.

Live. It's all too simple.

(I should have started 14 years ago.)

Mirrors Lie. Or Did You?

Run and run

if you want,

where are we going?

where have we been?

My bones are breaking,

or maybe my skin,

cracking.

The light shines through,

and who knows what you see,

(something different than the mirror tells me.)

(it can't be good)

untitled

They expect me to focus but
no my mind is just full of
you
like a field of daisies in
spring,
rather its just a field of
thorns
with black sky lightning flashes
memories that
smell sweet as the daisies what
the thorns once were.

Hold On To Your Pants, Don't Buy a Belt.

Walk a road or let the road walk you,

it's like what they say about the wind

because you either follow or it

will take you far away.

Sometimes I'll go barefoot on that gravel

road just to feel the rocks cut my feet,

a simple reminder,

as I walk alone that the universe is inside me,

I just need to let it out.

Silly String and Band Aids

It's like silly

string but you see

I don't feel silly, just

sad.

You lied li(K)e

the calender did and,

the days pass slow

just like they never did

before.

You don't see how my

hea(R)t breaks and

worse,

you don't care.

So I hang on t(I)ght to silly string,

but it's breaking because

it wasn't meant to be like

this, too much, too fast

so please come back come back,

can't you (S)ee?

You ran away ran away,

you said you wouldn't

just like a

prodigal.

They give me band aids

and more silly string,

tie me to the roof, swing

under the s(T)ars.

Your silly string doesn't help,

the band aids just cant fix

broken hearts. And normally,

mom's kiss can make it all better but

no not this time.

Nothing twinkles, nothing

is right,

there's a h(O)le in my chest,

gaping. wide.

I know it's a void that only

you can fill,

surgeon, cut open my heart,

(F)ix it fix me,

no hospital needed.

Just the music wing where

you whispered in my ear,

you said you loved me, did

you lie this whole time?

You held me in your arms, and

when I cried, wiped my tears.

You asked why,

I said, never leave

me.

Maybe I didn't say it loud enough, maybe

you just (F)orgot,

but I'm staying here now, crying

because you lied.

liar.

liar.

I love you, yes

I still do. What's that?

Unconditionally?

Yes. this is real, thanks very

much.

You said I don't get it, you

said that you had to do this, but

baby I disagre(E) I think

we could change this silly string into rope

that ties us together,

once again.

Can I have a band aid please? Place it

on my lips,

w(R)ap your silly string around my

heart.

Fix me. (LOVE ME.)

Why don't you love me?

Why don't you love me?

Fix me. Love. ME!

Why?

You said you would forever, I guess

forever isn't as long as I thought it was,

so sorry, the joke's on me.

Silly string and band aids,

broken hearts,

broken me.

You broke me,

you don't care.

You love me,

you love me,

you love me,

You promised.

LIAR.

but no.

(I STILL LOVE YOU)

not me this time. you.

(AND I ALWAYS WLL.)

Forever.

(COME BACK?)

Saying Goodbye.

Her shattered body

lies still in bed,

mumbled words

were all that she said.

I enter the room,

not expecting the sight that I see,

For she was always the strong one

looking after me.

I hold her close

but she's more fragile than ever,

scared to break her,

Yesterday I would have thought, "never."

I say hello,

she summons the strength to smile,

what she doesn't know is that

it gives me strength to stay a little while.

Inspired by her strength,

guided by her love,

now all I see is a broken woman

she is all I ever think of.

She's been my sunshine,

there for me all these years.

I try to look back on the memories,

but it's hard to see through my tears.

Never was she supposed to go,

she said she'd stay forever

she said nothing would break our love,

nothing whatsoever.

She taught me so much,

strength, love, to care,

but I will remember her lessons forever,

this I solemnly swear.

This is not the end,

this is just the start,

It's time I begin to live my life,

with the Nona spirit, strength,

the Nona heart.