A Dream

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep. Nights are the hardest for me. It's like the weight of the black sky suddenly falls upon my chest and, try as I might, it's just not possible for me to hold it up without tears spilling from my eyes. I don't know what it is about night time. Maybe it's just the fact that it's quiet with only my thoughts making sounds, or maybe it's the fact that it's the only time I'm truly alone from other people during my day. Whatever the reason, the nights are the hardest.

Lately, it's a ritual. I get ready, climb into bed, start feeling upset, call my wonderful boyfriend Michael. He talks me down and helps to calm me so I can fall asleep. Sometimes he tells me a cheesy bedtime story. Sometimes he just talks about his day. Either way, hearing his voice is something that instantly soothes me. Many mornings since August 29th, I've woken up with my phone on my face from where I dropped it when I fell asleep as he talked to me.

Last night was no different. We talked. I was doing really well until I decided I just needed to stop talking and sleep. So we hung up. That's when it all crashed down. I struggled, then remembered Mrs. Stewart and Bailey (if you haven't read Mrs. Stewart's blog, please go read. www.chrisstewart69.blogspot.com) and how in one post, Mrs. Stewart said she talks to her late son when she needs comfort and how I read on twitter that Bailey does the same. I felt a little weird talking to my dark ceiling, but I was desperate. So, I tried it.

I can't remember what exactly I said. I talked to my Nana and a dear friend who passed before her. I told my Nana how much I missed her and how I have been trying real hard to keep a smile up and to keep living my life, even though it is so hard without her. Eventually, I told her that I would love it if she could leave Grandpa's, my mom's, my aunts', and my uncle's sides for a few minutes and spend some time with me. I told her I needed her and I needed to know that she was there.

Now, I believe in miracles. However, I also believe in science. Therefore, I'm having a hard time figuring out whether what followed is just a result of that I was thinking about my Nana before I slept, or that my Nana was really with me. I'd like to think the latter.

I eventually fell asleep. At 2am, I woke up (as I often do these days,) but instead of being upset, I was filled with a sense of hope and happiness. I couldn't place it, so I didn't question it. I enjoyed it and fell back asleep. In the morning, at 6am when I finally woke up for school, I figured out I had a dream about my Nana. Only, in this one, it wasn't that I was an outsider looking in, as I normally am. I had an active role in this dream. I'll save the specifics for me. I'd like to keep this one close to my heart. However, in essence, we were together and we were watching her as she went about her last day on Earth.

It was like we were watching a TV show and talking through it, but still keeping one eye on the TV screen. She told me what she was thinking at certain points that day, and I told her what I was doing. Finally, we ended up in the hospital room together, watching over her, my grandfather, my aunt, and my uncle as she slipped away. Again, I'll save the details of what she said for me. I'd like to keep this one close to my heart.

I hope that she really did visit me. My biggest worry has always been how she felt her last day; what her last moments were like. I've always been worried that she was scared when she died. However, in this dream she proved to me that she wasn't scared. Nor is she now. She is serene and happy from what I've seen.

I'm grateful for this experience that she gave me last night. If this is how every night will be, I don't think nights will be so hard anymore.

Thank you for reading.