The End

I'm going to take a little different approach here. Someone recently told me I should try using this blog as a way to get my feelings out, not just in poetry which can be tricky at best to articulate just what it is that is stirring beneath my bones, but in solid prose, standing tall.

So here we are. I'd like to begin at the end because I've somewhere been told that the end of it all can put all the rest in painful but needed perspective.

On August 28th, at 11:15am, I was climbing trees with some friends. We went up to Adirondack Extreme to celebrate a late birthday party because, as always, I couldn't seem to get my act together and plan anything on time. My birthday was two months earlier, but my mom told me I had to have a birthday party because 16 was "a big year." She couldn't have been more right about that.
So we went up into the trees and the day couldn't have been more beautiful. The sun was shining brightly down on us, creating lovely shadows across our faces where the leaves on the trees served as stencils for the negative image of the sun. The course was challenging. If you ever have the time to climb at ADKX, then I highly recommend it. It was tons of fun.

Anyway, after the grueling workout that it really was (although I am a rower, this was totally different than any exercise I was used to) we ate our bagged lunch and headed home. We had to race back as fast as we could because one of the people who came, my teammate, and I needed to get back for practice. Somehow, we made it. Exhausted as we were, we completed our SECOND two hour practice of the day after climbing in trees for four hours.

I know I got home at 8 from the river, but the next hour or so is fuzzy. I probably showered, flopped down on the couch and watched TV. Actually, I probably ate my house out of everything as I usually do after practice. Whatever I did, it seems inconsequential now compared to what happened at 9pm.

Around 9, I found my mother at our small breakfast bar with her elbow on the granite counter, her hair disheveled, and the phone to her ear. Her lips were pursed, her eyes blinking back frantic tears. She hung up and told me that my beautiful Nana had a seizure or a stroke or a heart attack or something and was on the way to the hospital. Immediately, I went into action mode, a trait I have inherited from my mom. I didn't cry like she did, instead I was there to comfort. Then, when she was okay, I went upstairs, called my wonderful boyfriend, and lost it.

This little cycle happened over and over again, with each call bringing more news. I wish the news was better than it was but each phone call got shorter and each length of time my mom cried grew longer. I hoped desperately that she would be okay; I prayed. I tried everything. However, she had a massive brain aneurism and was not expected to make it.

She was placed on life support although she had a DNR, and at eleven at night, my mom came up to my room. I was sitting in bed, my blanket pulled around me, and just staring ahead of me. I recall not being able to think about anything at all. My mind was blank and my throat felt like it had been pinched shut. My mom said to me, "They will take her off of life support at midnight. She probably won't live past an hour without it." Then she handed me the phone. "Do you want to say anything to her?"

I'm 16. I didn't know what to say to my grandmother. I wish I could remember exactly what I said. I told her I loved her multiple times. Oddly enough, I told her it would be okay. I told her that heaven would take her and that she could let go. I told her I would take care of grandpa and my mom and my aunts and uncles. I told her to please watch over me. I also told her to say hello to my friend who had passed a year earlier and to God and Jesus for me. I tried not to cry. Above all, if she really was hearing me (although science argued otherwise,) I didn't want her last Earthly memory of me to be a sad one. Needless to say, I did cry a few times. I'm sure she forgives me.

At 6:30am on August 29th, 2012, the end came. I wish I had a time turner so I could take myself back to every moment with her and squeeze her a little tighter, say "I love you" a little more sincerely. We had a relationship that nobody but us understood. I would give anything to fly up to that far place where she is now and just see her face. After all that has happened, I would give everything to know what she thinks of me now. Lucky? Strong? Proud? I think I know the answer, but I want to know what she really thinks.

I cry because she isn't here, but really, I know she is. The trouble with it all though, is that she doesn't need to see me, but she can. I need to see her, but I can't.

Thanks for reading.